Well it’s no surprise that as I focus my intentions to Laugh Play Love more this month, something would happen that would push the boundaries of my own heart. You see, I’ve had a couple of profound experiences over this past week that have changed my perspective on life.
Last week I took my 4-year-old to my neighbors house for an art class. Let me back up and say, my son is extremely reserved in new situations. He is the most talkative kid I know, but when he’s around other adults or big groups, well no one would ever know he even talks. (I remember being this way when I was young, too.) I left Kestan at art class for the first time last week. He was there with two other friends and the teacher, who is our friend and neighbor. But this week was different. Before we left the house Kestan said, “Mom, last week you left me at art class before I was comfortable.” I remember giving him a big hug goodbye that day and made sure he felt safe, but I was so grateful that he could share his feelings with me. I apologized and told him that I’ll make sure he’s “comfortable” before I leave this time.
So, we walked over to my neighbor’s house for class. Kestan picked out the chair he wanted to sit in. He grabbed my arm. He wanted me to sit right next to him. I also had my 15-month-old in my arms. The other girls had started painting. Kestan was quiet. Smiling, but gripping me. I told him I wasn’t going to leave. Our neighbor – the teacher – was very good with him. She was trying to get him engaged. She was very kind and patient.
After he seemingly relaxed and started to paint, I tried to slowly slip away. I wasn’t leaving. I just wanted to back off a little so he could get “comfortable” with his friends. At that point I told Kestan I was going to take his brother home for nap time and that I’d be back really soon. He started to cry and the teacher tried to console him, putting Kestan on her lap and into her arms.
Well, that didn’t go so well. Kestan felt as though she was keeping him from me, and he lost it. I mean really lost it. He screamed and cried and even kicked off his shoe. I’ve never seen him like that. The teacher let go and he came running to my arms.
Well, crap, as any mama knows – that just feels horrible! We spend years building trust with our little ones, and I told him I wouldn’t leave until he was “comfortable” and then this happens. I consoled him. We hugged and kissed. And once he was feeling more relaxed and safe again, brother and I stayed, right by his side, while Kestan finished his project.
Maybe this seems pretty minor to you. But I have to tell you, this experience brought in a flood of emotions for me the rest of that day. I had a pit in my stomach. And when I sat with those feelings here’s what I realized. Those old negative thoughts about not fitting in came up again. Thoughts like Have I kept my son too sheltered? What will other parents think? Why is my kid the only one who seems shy? Will I ever be able to leave him? Have I ruined his chances for socializing and having friends? Why don’t we just fit in?
I should mention here that I’ve tried to help Kestan get comfortable in these kinds of situations for years now. I am usually one of the only moms sitting on the floor with him at story time. Or dragging him along with me to toddler yoga, or encouraging him to talk to his friends at playgroups. And what I’ve seen over the years is that he is getting more comfortable, little by little. In his own time. Not my time. Not the time the experts or the books or the preschool teachers tell us. But his time. Because his natural temperament is one of an observer. Kestan needs space and time to observe his surroundings. And when he’s ready, he participates. He smiles. He has fun. He gains confidence. He shines. When he’s ready.
So these feelings of not fitting in reminded me that I’ve been trying to gently push Kestan to get involved in these activities because I was feeling pressure from the outside world. Pressure from friends who ask “Is Kestan in preschool yet?” Or the moms who list off all the activities their children are signed up for. Or the preschool enrollment dates that make you think If you don’t sign your child up for preschool RIGHT NOW he’ll be behind for the rest of his life! And of course, I know that none of these outside influences can put pressure on me without me letting them.
After this incident at art class, Kestan and I talked about what had happened. And my sweet, wise little 4-year-old simply said, “I’m just not ready, mom.”
And that’s enough for me.
This reminded me of the time when I was preparing Kestan to wean from nursing. We was only nursing about once a day at that point and I was getting him prepared for his little brother’s arrival. I explained that there would be a new baby who would need mommy’s milk all the time, like Kestan once did when he was little. He was excited for his new baby brother. He told me brother and he could “share” mommy’s milk. And even though I was ready for Kestan to wean, he said, “I’m still little mommy.” And we nursed until the day we brought baby brother home and Kestan confidently said, “I’m done.” And that was that.
Our kids are wise little creatures.
They know things.
And it’s our jobs as their parents to be mindful. To listen. To observe. To let them express their feelings. And to make sure they feel “comfortable” and safe in this world.
As I learn more on this path of motherhood, I can now say I am 100% committed to listening to my heart. When something doesn’t feel right, I must listen to that. Because the more courage I find to follow my intuition in all aspects of my life, the easier it becomes to make decisions that are LOVE-based, and not ones that are coming from fear.
The fear of not fitting in could persuade me to get my kids involved in too many activities. Or leave them screaming at the door. Or sign them up too early for preschool. Or do a million other things that it seems the world says we mothers should do.
I’m making a conscious choice to mother with my heart.
And to let my beautiful sweet boys lead the way.
Love to all you mamas,
Shannon
Your Personal Reflection: What does “mothering with your heart” mean to you?
Wow. I’ve so been in very similar shoes…. my oldest daughter was a cautious watcher. She’s grown into a confident outgoing young lady… in their own time. That is so true. Much love~
I would really love to win this. I want to take the mothering with heart e-course. Thanks for the opportunity!
Keep on listening to your Heart mama. You are doing what is right for you and your dear sweet boy and that is such a gift. But certainly not easy. Look at the amazing lines of communication and closeness you have already created. No kiddie class in the world could create that. xoxox
wow Shannon, thanks for sharing your process with this. I think it’s SO easy to feel like you’re failing as a parent when other parents start telling you all the things their kids do. I’ve felt many times like “since when does my four year old need a resume?” It’s even hard not to compare my kids to each other, my oldest has always been very outgoing and self motivated and my youngest has been physically more advanced since she was a baby but she’s still not drawing faces or shapes yet… I have to remember that they learn so differently and yes – she will get there in her own time.
I Needed this today, thank you!
Shannon, our sons are so much alike. You described it so well. It can feel so difficult when society tells us one way to handle situations when we feel like there just needs to be some room for them to bloom in their own season. Thank you for sharing this.
Shannon – I love this post, and am inspired by your courage! My sons are both very shy with other people, at least at first. They were the ones in story time that never participated, they tend to just play with themselves and not want to talk with other kids if they don’t know them (and even now in school, they mostly just play with one or two other kids and tell me they don’t want to play with the others). When adults ask them questions, they are generally very slow to answer if at all… My one son in particular is especially an observer and he will just sit and watch, in a very focused (and I think to some, disconcerting) way. This is something I’ve struggled with, too. I’m a shy person, too – have been all through school and still, sometimes painfully so. So I know I haven’t been so good with “socializing” them. And I have this guilt and fear that I’ve done a bad job with that and that’s why they are so slow to interact with other kids. I so don’t want them to have the same experience I did growing up! So between that and seeing how “all the other” kids are “so much better” at socializing and interacting with others, I feel so many of the same fears and guilt that you talked about. Yet at the same time, I also feel fiercely protective of their right to be more observers and to trust them to interact when they are ready, even if that’s different from when other kids do, or when other adults think they should be. And I think I’ve a lot of times followed my heart on that, but that guilt and fear and worry is usually there, too. I don’t like it because it makes me start to look at my boys as if there is something “wrong” with how they interact or how they are growing. I find it so hard to let that go and fully trust my heart. Though I suppose fully trusting doesn’t necessarily mean the fear and guilt fully disappear…
Thank you for sharing your experience and for your courage!
I’m one of those ‘other’ mothers, i think! My daughter has always been so easygoing in new situations and around people. I work part time, and I started my daughter part time in daycare at 18 months and began a montessori program when she was 2 1/2. Because she was ready. When she was young, I had my heart set on breastfeeding for at least one year. At nine months, she started biting the heck out of me (and finding great pleasure in my reactions!). I put up with the biting for a few weeks, then started giving her breast milk in a bottle as an alternative when she bit. She liked that just fine. I was torn up about not reaching my ‘goal’. But she was ready. She was letting me know. What you’ve titled “Mothering with HeART” I think Ive been calling ‘intuitive parenting’. 🙂 Our kids are great teachers!
This blog post is a good reminder to me…. Q and I attend a piano class together every week, and some of the boys in her class, though older, are just ‘not ready’ for that level of structure. Ive gotten a little bit frustrated with one of the moms in the group that doesn’t encourage her son to participate. I’ll give the issue a little less attention next time, and trust that the other mom is listening to what her son needs, just like I”m doing for my daughter.
Cheers~
Oh Shannon! I totally get where this post is coming from. As you know, we skipped preschool, and so many times I felt the judgement of others that nearly pushed me to make choices that weren’t right for me, our kids, or our whole family. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been following my mothering heart with a little boy who tells me he feels “down” sometimes. When you know depression runs in the bloodlines, it isn’t something to take lightly, but also you don’t want to dwell in that place too much. I’m trying to follow that fine line in between. Mostly, I’m just letting him lead with his need for snuggle time, talking it out, or forgetting about it and having fun. And through it all, I’m trying to LISTEN to them, truly, when they say “don’t go yet”. I know someday they will be ready to fly, but it is ok to not be ready yet.
My little Emily (although almost 6) is an observer as well and slow to get comfortable in new situations. I have tried to push her sometimes before she is ready and it just doesn’t work. I have to remember as you said they come to it at their own pace and in their own space. Mothering with Heart is to remember to give them their time and their space. We do not know when they are ready anymore than anyone knows when we are ready to do something. Mothering with Heart also, to me, is to listen to your own child and honor them for what they are and who they are and when they are; not everyone else’s idea of what that should be. Thanks for sharing, Shannon. It makes me feel we are not in this journey alone!
First off, I am happy to hear you feel comfort in letting your boys lead the way. Love– “I’m just not ready, mom.”
Secondly, I like your groups on FB and will tweet this too. 🙂
Finally, mothering with my heart means being in tune. When Noah was younger our bodies were in tune. We had a rhythm. I am a touchy-feely person so physical connection with my boy came easily. I could understand what he needed without him saying a word. Now that he’s growing our relationship is evolving. Our relating to each other is becoming more intellectual. It’s fun getting to know him this way. But, when he’s ill or really tired, I can get in a bit of a snuggle. Every now and then he will prop his over 60 pound body in my lap and we will rock in our favorite chair. We rock in tune…
Love this post! I always felt I was the one doing wacky stuff with my boys.. Listerning always. I have seen and felt a lot of shaking heads of disapproval around me for that. But i always listened to my intuition and I always had my husband support for that.
I really like this. It’s hard to do–to listen to yourself as a mother. I often second guess myself–I know what I feel like I should do, but I question: “is this really the best thing for him? will this help him or will it hurt him? am I just doing this because it is too hard for ME to see him struggle (or whatever)?” Usually I do it anyway but I so often feel conflicted. One thing I know for sure, though–I LOVE my kiddos. Mine are very similar in age to yours–2 boys, aged 4 and almost 1.
I can’t wait for Mothering with HeART!!!
Shannon, Keep on trusting Kestan and yourself. When I didn’t send Isaac to school with all of his friends, I had one other mama tell me point blank that I was making a “huge mistake” that I would “regret”. Nothing could have been further from the truth. He is thriving in kindergarten this year, and even though he was reading and all that good stuff, I knew that he was just not ready socially, and so did he. He was more than happy to have that extra year of playtime with mommy. So far, I see no indication of life-long scars. 🙂 You’re right– they do know things.
First…thank you! I am super refreshed to know that there are other Mamas out there who think along the same wave and can speak that “whoops ” I maybe should have done this a different way.
So mothering from my heart means to me…hmmmm taking the road less traveled, at times. Breathing to allow myself to hear my heart or gut or intuition on any given situation and doing what I believe is the best for my children’s peace and safety…. Which may be watching Tarzan on Superbowl Sunday at home b/c the party across the street was sooooo not working for him 🙂
Cheers
Such a beautiful affirmation! I was approached by a company to write a book about parenting…laughable to me because I relish my role as mom but if you ask me “how’ I do any of it I just open my heart and “wing it”. So, I was telling my son, who was around 11 at the time, and I asked him what in the world would I write and he said “oh Mom, it would be a one sentence book, you would just say open your heart and love your children”. True.
Which also works just as well within any connection:)
And, yes, we don’t always “fit in”, but our household is one of creative expression, and transparent conversation and just so refreshing and fun…as is yours I can tell from all that you share here 🙂
Great post Shannon:) I am expecting my first baby very soon, within the next couple of weeks or so! He is a boy and I am so excited to meet him. I always wonder what he will be like, and can’t help but think he may be like his mom (shy at first, an observer…just like your son Kestan). I look forward to him teaching me about life, and want to be the mom that listens to his needs, encourages him to grow, and is always there to LOVE him- no matter what. This is what I think mothering with HeART is. I love the spaces you have created for others to share their experiences with each other, and love that I am part of it (even if I am sometimes too shy too participate, I do always take away something beautiful when I am just an observer)!!! <3
Hi Shannon- thank you for the honesty in your words. I just read your question “What does “mothering with your heart” mean to you?” and thought…hmmm I really don’t know if I have any words to describe it.
I realized my responses and patience with my two little ones are guided by my heart when I am taking care of myself. (getting enough sleep, creating art, listening inward through meditation)
I also realize that I choose to mother with my heart when I am present and in the moment.
I think I will use this as my affirmation this week and see what comes up. Thank you
Oh my goodness~ is it possible we mommies live parallel lives!? I think yes, that is why you have created your space here and I so appreciate your openness. I have been battling with this very topic,( preschool or not, too many activities to get her out because I feel I may be sheltering her too much, am I doing too much in story-time and music class to be with her the other moms aren’t they just sit there?? Go to mommy yoga and drop her in the free child with or just continue yoga with her at home, Oh, the dilemma!……) I so, so thank you for being you, the wonderful mommy you are and honoring yourself and your children by being present in the days, moments and growing of the little souls. Love you~Embrace you and Bless you~
hello you in your new space 🙂 Looks great! Sorry to hear your heart-wrenching story regarding mothering, oh my, don’t get me started. The things I’ve learnt I can’t do with my son. I’ve stopped trying to take him to some places as I know it will just end up being too stressful for both he and I . . obviously there are different things going on with my son and AS, but hey, parenting is full of trials and challenges that we must find creative ways to overcome 🙂
I wish you well good friend.
Amelia.x
To Mother with our heart is to do what we know is right for us. Not to worry or be concerned about anything other than how our children are feeling and what they need. I have failed many times to mother with my heart and I always feel awful afterwards. Your children need to know that you are there for them always and trust you completely.
Thanks for this reminder today.
WOW. You mothers truly AMAZE me. Seriously. It makes me feel SO good knowing there are other mothers out there, LIKE YOU, who have the courage to share, to speak up and to connect to other women on this crazy, wonderful journey of motherhood! Your comments – all of them – have touched me so deeply. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me. xoxo
I just picked the winners in my random drawing! I’ll post them tomorrow.