Healing Through Writing

I have never considered myself a “writer.”  And even though I’ve been writing my blog for a few years now, I just had a new realization…this space is helping me heal old wounds associated with writing.

You see, going back to first grade, I distinctly remember a traumatic experience at a spelling bee.  I was sitting in a college classroom with several other students.  It was my first spelling bee (and my last).  It was my turn and the word was “once.”  I remembered the rules like a good student would.  Repeat the word (once) and then spell it, then repeat the word again.  I spoke, “Once.”  “O.”  Then I thought about it again, to make sure I was getting it right.  Ok… “O-N-C-E.  Once.”  Phew…I got it right.

Then, the teacher spoke up, and told me I spelled it wrong because I said two “o’s.”  She proceeded to rewind the tape so we could all hear it again.  I was mortified.  I was only six.  I was sitting there in my seat, while my “mistake” was put on display for all to hear. I left the room crying and luckily my parents were waiting for me in the hallway.

From that moment on, I accepted my new thought, “I am a bad speller.”  And I equated “bad speller” with “bad writer” for many years.

Skip to fourth grade.  I had some very controlling catholic schoolteachers at this age. Conformity seemed to be of the utmost importance.  I can see this clearly now just thinking back to the way they taught me “handwriting.”

My teachers seemed obsessed with making sure I wrote with a perfect “slant.”  My letters had to go to the right.  For any left-handed student, you know that this can be a challenge.  But we do what it takes to get it “right.”  I tried everything, like turning my paper to a slant and kinking my neck so far to the right so I could see over my hand.

And not only did I write “too up and down,” I was also told I wrote “too wide.”  One of my teachers would even sneak up behind me and rip the pencil out of my hand to make sure I wasn’t gripping “too hard!”  It seems so ridiculous now.  How cool would it have been had they focused their energy on teaching me about self-worth and personal expression, rather than pointing out my so-called writing flaws?

By the end of the year I had won the “Best Handwriting” award.  What it should have said was, “Best Job at Conforming and Doing What it Takes to Get the Grade” award.  I did it. I learned how to be a good student and get my teacher’s approval.

In college I had a lot of friends who were “writers” but I never thought I was one.  I could never be one of “them” because I was a terrible speller and therefore a terrible writer.

After college I landed a job where writing was part of my job description.  I felt like a fake. A phony.  I definitely didn’t believe I was a writer, but I played the part well.

I’ve journaled for years and years and years…writing in secret.  And I was scared to start a blog, mainly because I didn’t want people to see my misspellings and grammatical errors.  But I did it anyway and have never looked back.  After blogging for a bit I started embracing a new thought…”I like writing.”  And after my recent computer cleanse I was reminded that writing helps me process.  It helps me release my creative energy.  It has helped me find my voice.  And it continues to be an amazing self-discovery tool that helps me heal and grow.  I love to write.  I have to write.

I write with mistakes, wide, up and down, upside down, over and out, inward and outward…